Fairy Tale Life Goals
Snow White and her seven dwarves...you honestly believe not one of them wanted to fuck her? Or maybe she was a modern polygamist that had seven husbands and zero children (meaning she had seven children but her honey-do list was always in motion). Even as a child I always thought these fairy tales were unrealistic. Now now...I am not trying to be political or ruin the dreams for all children and adults who love Disney, just hear me out.
Were you a child that wanted to be Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty? Did you grow up imagining that you would lose a slipper and Prince Charming would come find you and sweep you off your perfectly manicured feet and marry you? You wanted the beautiful hair, wild animals as your best friends, and the voice of an angel? This is the fairy tale that little girls...and some little boys dream of. Being royalty and in love with a handsome Prince was the ultimate life goal. No goals of becoming a doctor, wanting to be President, a professional golfer, or a CEO of a large tech company.
Disney + has literally been my life saver during the Covid-19 pandemic. I won’t lie and tell you that I haven’t let my 3 ½ year old son watch whatever the fuck he wants right now. I am not trying to hate...what would we all do without it while we sit on Zoom work call? My son is especially obsessed with Moana...and I kind of don’t mind it because well...the Rock is nothing short of a fairy tale in my eyes. So without further ado...I hereby grant you with my Disney shade.
Sleeping Beauty
Who knew making yarn was so dangerous? Is it just me or does it seem odd that a beautiful royal princess would even know how to access a spindle? Isn’t she more worried about brushing her hair, shaking hands and kissing babies (pre spanish flu and covid-19)?
During a celebration of her birth, one of her good fairies, Marryweather, has a mean girl moment toward the sorceress Maleficent. That bitch claps back and puts a spell on the newly born Princess Aurora. The spell will have her die during her sweet sixteen by pricking her finger on a spinning wheel’s spindle (and of course by sunset...can’t forget that little detail). Um...that's all you got lady? Kinda going easy on the broad don’t ya think? No fire, poisoning or attack by a bear? Kind of complicated to have her not only find this equipment but then die from a prick to the finger...but whatever girl, you do you.
Aurora’s badass squad changed the spell just in time! Instead of death she would fall into a deep sleep and would awake by true love's kiss. BARF. Since most of her suitors are her first cousins, her only other choice would be the lovingly gay Prince Phillip. Thank god he's willing to take one for the team so two Kingdoms can become one. Needless to say Prince Phillip jumped through all the hoops in order to lay one on the princess while unconscious, cause that's not creepy. Luckily his unwanted sexual advance woke her lazy ass up and they lived happily ever after.
Of course they lived happily, they had staff and separate bedrooms. They didn’t have to fight about making the bed, money, or who was doing the dishes. She had lovers approved by her husband's good taste, and did whatever she wanted all day long. He never bugged her...only braided her hair and drank wine with her after he enjoyed several well built guards whether they liked it or not. After some late night snacking they each crawl into their own California king with freshly cleaned sheets and a fucking sprig of lavender.
Cinderella
This child slave lived in seclusion most of her life and sang out of a window with her best friends, dirty mice and birds full of disease. Her masters were the stepmother and stepsisters. They were ugly cunts that were very jealous of her beauty and wanted to break her down emotionally in order to get all the shit done around the house. She was asked to clean, polish, sew, cook, and bathe the cat Lucifer. Now, let's pause for a moment. This term evil stepmother is making much more sense now. If being a psychopath wasn’t bad enough, this bitch obviously was satanic and loved her cat enough to name him after her one true love. Tortue, imprisonment, child abuse, and brainwashing...yep...pretty much sums up the perfect storm of one evil cunt. On top of having Satan's puppet as a stepmother, poor Cinderella had two big and bossy stepsisters that would mentally abuse her everyday. Honestly...I get sibling rivalry and picking on one another, but this is some mean girl shit that makes Regina George look like an angel.
One day they received an invitation to a Ball at the castle. This event was basically The Bachelor so the playboy Prince will finally settle down. Once announced, bitches in the kingdom lost their shit and the hunger games were on! Cinderella thought she would be able to go since she was on the invite, apparently she didn’t understand what being trapped meant. After her friends (yeah...mice and birds) made her a dress and helped her get her chores done in time to go to the Ball..her evil step family laughed in her face and tore up that dress like a bunch of pissed off drag queens.
Cinderella cried and cried until her Fairy Godmother appeared. Duh...who doesn’t have a fairy godmother when shit gets real and you need an out? This sweet chubby lady was so thrilled to help her get all dolled up to present herself to the Prince. Why didn’t she come to Cinderella's rescue sooner? I am guessing she is more of a matchmaker and loves weddings..definitely a fan of Say Yes to the Dress! Nevertheless, she made Cinderella look like Princess Diana and hauled her off in a magic pumpkin, not weird at all. Oh...one fine detail, she only had until midnight to score with the Prince. Sorry bitch...you only get a few hours to fake it until you make it...if you don’t...you are dog shit.
All was going well at the ball and Cinderella was charming, beautiful, and apparently a trained ballroom dancer. Who knew kept prisoners could also go to charm school and have private lessons with Arthur Murray?! After one incredible dance Cinderella fell madly in love. Just like any new relationship she ran away because it was almost midnight and she was a bit drunk. Girl isn’t dumb...she knows how to hold it together and play hard to get. Just like a sloppy drunk she lost a shoe while running away (we have all been there girl). The Prince chased after here until he stopped to smell her glass slipper left behind.
The next day the Prince, who may or may not have a foot fetish, gave the glass slipper to his team to slip on every woman in the kingdom to find the right fit...because apparently Cinderella wore a size unlike any other woman. I would think after wearing those fucking glass slippers all night Cinderella’s feet would be swollen any way...you know what it’s like putting shoes on after a night of dancing and drinking in high heels...let alone glass ones! Of course her Amazon looking stepsisters and evil stepmother locked her in the attic so she was unable to try on the slipper. Thanks to mice who magically become locksmiths...she was freed to run down and get her turn before this dude took off. I can just see him now...rolling his eyes because this job sucks and now here comes the fucking maid. She sits down like a lady and he walks over to slip it on her foot...but not before he was tripped with the stepmother's satanic beating stick. The glass slipper surprisingly broke...no shit Sherlock. Then Cinderella pulled out the other shoe which fit perfectly. I guess she was allowed to keep the shoes but not the dress and magic carriage after midnight? What kind of fucked up Fairy Godmother gives her the shoes but no dress. Lame.
Of course Cinderella was whisked away happily from her torture chamber and into a marriage to a man she just met. From one unhealthy family situation to another. My only hope is they had therapy back then...wait...that's right, they had finger jugs of wine, girl will be okay.
Final thoughts…
I don’t know why princess Aurora didn’t fake dead…man can you imagine a nice deep sleep and all that time to yourself? I am sure she was binge watching some peasant reality show in between naps. So jealous. Also...do you think that the Prince married Cinderella because he needed his asshole bleached and someone to sew and clean his quarters?
While I don’t think these stories are bad for the youth, I believe it’s best to remind them it is only a fairy tale...like a tall tale...or a fucking lie. It's just for fun and entertainment. Look at Meghan Markle, if she passed on the idea of being a Dutchess...so should the rest of us.
More fairy tales by The MotherSip to come.
Stay tuned and I hope this doesn’t ruin your time spent on Disney +.
