Erections Start at Birth...
I really wanted my kid to sit his ass down and take a shit. But it doesn’t work that way unfortunately. During potty training bitches like myself get desperate to make it happen soon without too much horror. I read books, listened to podcasts, asked the doctor, watched YouTube, asked friends, asked my mom, questioned my sisters and sister-in-laws, and well…just fucking anyone who would listen…even my Barista at Starbucks. Potty training reminds me of trying to help my friend CC get her jeans off when she is drunk and unstable. She doesn’t like tight pants on after she has had a few beers…so I have to watch Miss Giraffe Long Legs to be sure she isn’t bottomless in the cab. Potty training a kid who wants to take off running with shit still hanging out of his ass is a lot worse than CC by far!
I will have to have Alana chime in on this, but I am assuming most boys are sloppy and lazy while girls naturally want to go potty and not shit themselves. From the beginning my son would sit on the toilet forever until something came out and I would want to fall asleep it was aganzing. One day it dawned on me that I should go get myself a glass of wine…this would make watching him try to drop a deuce way easier. I walked over to get myself a nice home poured glass and when I returned to the bathroom I couldn’t believe my eyes…my son and flicking his penis around with an obvious erection. Ugh…awkward. “Look mom my penis is bigger” and then “Mom, I have a big penis!”. This is when I just assume you don’t react, laugh, or get weird. I just say, “cool dude now let’s focus on a good poop”. I kept thinking to myself is this normal? He has been getting morning baby “wood” since he was born but this is a bit different. The next few days he would randomly pull his undies down touch himself and tell me he has a big penis. Dude…WTF…I got a bit worried and started to wonder if some creep has been around my son? Was it someone in the family? Or some weird teacher at his Montessori I pay 700 million dollars to a year? Was it a curious girl in his class that is a ho in the making? I tired to let it go and then it just kept happening in the tub and then on the toilet. Big Penis this and Bigger Penis that. Dear god this is like that dude we have all dated who is so self-conscious about their cock he has to talk about it like it is his conjoined twin.
I decided to sit down and talk to him about our bodies and what is okay and what isn’t okay. They teach him boundaries at school (thankfully they do something for the money), and it was a really great way to start the conversation. Even though my son is pretty ahead with his language and understanding, having a 3 year old pay attention long enough to understand something is a major fucking challenge. But…after asking him questions and talking about who are the only people allowed to touch his penis and when to whip it out and when not too…I felt MUCH better. This is just a sweet little kid who is all boy, no weirdo is talking to him about his penis, it is just an observation and well his interpretation of his penis as it grows. Fuck I am crazy? I think to myself…it gets small and it gets big…pretty simple mom. Lessoned learned. You have to have these conversations with your kids to help build trust and to protect them the best you can. However…I will not be having the masterbation conversation with him at puberty. Fuck that, his dad can do that!
In conclusion I have realized that the penis doesn’t go dormant until puberty and no matter if it is a boy, man, teen dude, old balls, they all like to touch it, scratch it, and talk about how big it is. Their penis is a prized possession naturally…it is in their male makeup and it starts at birth.
